YET

It's not even raining
yet everything's falling wet
The wind is not even blowing hard
Clouds seem to be not as thick as yesterday
they're almost white, yet it's overcast
yet I miss you, and yet I lie.

The clock keeps ticking at the same pace
keeps holding the world awake,
spinning at his musical stream
-like a Little Rock in The River-
keeps me from pronouncing your name.
Yet I want to, and yet I try.

Drop, drop, ever-ending season
While the leaves in the trees
keep the secrecy of your treason to the world...
leaves switch colors, leaves change tone
they unveil me clear and stoned
And yet they care, and yet they don't.

Just like the midst, invisible to those who dance...
Just like air in the space between a "try to" and to fail...
Just like you and me
this season creates a poison to forget
to love again, to unforgettably, regretfully rest.
Yet I believe, yet you hide.

Things haven't changed much ever since
Just the weather, just the reason
to fail once more, to attempt a riddle.
Spiderweb, seventh sense, unspoken wonder,
Haven's rhythm, Hell's complain, my babe:
It's all the same... yet you are written, yet I stand.

Este amor que se me escapa de las manos es errado,
se ha entregado a la justicia de su naturaleza...
si fuese Dios no doleria tanto.
Es el mundo
son los humanos
como si, construidos de metal y asfalto, y disfrazados de algodon y seda, atentaran encajar unos con otros, consiguiendo solamente un colapso.

I wish u well...

i just wish you would get to know my true colors...
wish i could tell you
only you
how much i hate you, how much i love you
wish i could smack the floor with your head
and nurse you later with tender care
pretending it was all your fault...
wish you found out im a snake
and you my friend,
regardless of what you claim to be
i wish you could see
you are my rat...
my nasty, disgusting, gross rat...
the one i deserve, the one i have created
the one i love.

I missed you tonight... heck I missed you! Seems my blood assimilated your poison a little too well... it still burns my am. Every morning the first pulsation in my head, killing my reason; in every step the shadows chasing me away from freedom. It is precise my friend, that we get it straight before I lose my sanity. I'm missing you like crazy.

If it wasn't for your voice on the telephone,
the rain would weight a sea on my back,
the storm would push the limits of the imaginary.
If it wasn't for the certainty of disaster
I would swear I dreamed on an angel's attack
to take over my heart, my all, the nothing I own.

If it wasn't for the absence of a heartbeat in my chest
I could have sworn last night you conquered my love.
But I'm sure you called, cos my blood doesn't run
cos I could not possibly live on such a paradox
for my heart is already taken,
I can't let you conquer what's already yours.

Es un dia gris como todos; haga sol, llueva, truene o relampaguee.
A estas alturas del partido deberia de haber colgado los guantes. Verdaderamente, no hay nada digno por lo que luchar, ya no hay... mas que solo espera. Paciencia, vegestorio inutil, paciencia!

Resolution

The beams of mercy
cover every reflective spot
but the warmth is not
the shadows roam
like there is no sketch,
No amnesty.

And the blaze of color
ignites the glare
imminent disaster
I stare in distress
like there is no pride,
No forgiveness.

The hazel is fading out
the argue is mute
and the silence too loud.
No oath was taken
No race to run
No indulgences.

Lo inexistente

Sos el intrigante deseo de inhalar aire-amoniaco.
Me tenes confundida, suspirando
como dormida
en la imagen de tu mirada congelada sobre mi.
Y me declaro adicta a las cosquillas infantiles
que, pese a los mortales gritos del silencio
siguen recorriendo lo que quiero tuyo;
mas no deberia.

Sos esa llama oculta en azul sereno.
Sos la calma en la tormenta que vos mismo
trajiste a mi.
Y si te vas y me ignoras
Sos la razon para luchar
para escribir.

Sos pues,
mucho mas que lo que mi fragil respirar
puede soportar...
Me fortaleces.
Sos lo que merecen los que se aman,
la noche.
Sos lo que se esconde en el monte rojizo
que nadie conoce
sino solo los que han muerto.

Sos el barco perdido en el mar de hielo,
embotellado;
la fabrica de nieve y niebla.
Sos mio, amante de lo desconocido.
Mi enigma
Mi paradoja
Lo inexistente,
Mio.
Sos el efecto de mi vicio.

To Chris

There's something about this
something unknown
unexplainable
unbearable
something surreal.

There's nothing about this
nothing thrilled
heard
wrong
nothing foreseen.

There's craziness about this
crazy context
stories
feelings
crazy is it all.

But there's no way about this
No way to fight it
to deny it
to avoid it
No way to turn around.

So let me hid from this
from the impact
the unexplored
the magic
hide from your eyes;

for if I fix mi sight on them
I fix my wishes
my future
my expectations
I fix my "I am."

So then...

For there's something & nothing
Craziness & no way to scape,
let me hide from it
let me fix it
let this all be nonsense fate!

May we both
let it pour as if
it should rain...
I'll stand still
under whatever it may be
will come
or ain't.

Snow

further... deeper than strong
the song of your maybes
plays in my heart over and over
like a hard rain
restores
the pieces -loose and hidden-
of my joy.

I'm a bumblebee fighting -got trapped
by the rhythm of your song-
a heart beat higher
like a hard rain
paralyzes
the reason -at the limits-
of my voice.

Crazier, faithfully truer
the brownish green of certainty
hits me to the ground/ and it's over
like a hard rain
frozen
in the ice of comfort zone/
of my yes.

Wilder, purer beyond control
the beauty of pretense
overflowing
like a storm
covers
all evidence of thought
And so it snows.

Forecast

The winds of uncertainty pulling us closer to the second
so quickly, so abruptly, so majestically unfaithful
when impulsiveness and thought, both touch insanity.

The senseless ticking of the sun making us wander in redemption
of the incredulously joy, bogus cloud of hope, sensation
where humanity and soul, both meet insanity.

But you know me well enough, and I forget so little
that trying to run away gets me only mingled in the riddle
you cannot both understand and ignore

Anymore than I can help to stop right in the middle
and hesitant take a toe or two forward all
we cannot both want or not want to get more of.

No self control, no zodiac predicting new creeds
while I assimilate changes and realize this will not cede
you are lucky, only if you get to hate me first

so you could learn to like me more
than you could ever read.
-but you will not.

the secret held drafted

Everytime I´m on my way back home after seing you, I find myself more and more fascinated with your only existance. You have captivated me in such a way I cannot explore -fear perhaps, call it mystery. And it is unbelievable I can yet behave and pretend to be nothing but your friend-if you want to see it that way, for something different is almost impossible to picture... the challenge makes it delightful to imagine.

Vivencias

Caminaba con mi hermana -Diana- a la parada de buses. Nos dirigiamos a la reunion del voluntariado al que pertenecemos hace ya un par de años y en el que orgullosamente trabajamos. Caminaba sin reparar hacia donde es que iba, lo que mi presencia representaría. En el camino, una anciana ya cansada del castigo que el sol le otorgaba, llamo mi atencion. Un vestido viejisimo, de tela casi transparente, cubria su morena piel... solo Dios sabe cuanto habia sido lavada la pobre tela que seguia rindiendo su fiel proposito. Calzaba a duras penas lo que fue en vida util un par de zapatillas de lona, ya rotas de enfrente, remendadas ya varias veces, llenas de la tierra que han recorrido. La señora llevaba en su cabeza una bolsa grande, llena en apariencia de ropa unicamente... ¡pero quien sabe la verdad, porque pesaba como piedras de mar! 

Se detuvo en un suspiro a limpiar el sudor de su frente, justo en frente de nosotras. Preferí ignorarla, pues no estaba en condiciones de ayudarla -al menos eso pensaba yo. Diana iba molesta conmigo, pues la reunion a la que ibamos iniciaba hacia media hora. Yo me atrase en el baño, en mi desesperacion por huir del calor inhumano que azotaba la ciudad. Asi que pasamos de largo, tratando de ignorar la fuerte mirada que nos siguio poco tiempo después. Llegando a la parada desee con el alma que la señora cambiase de rumbo. Pero no todo lo que uno quiere es lo que obtiene, sino lo que Dios dispone -sabiduría de abuela. Ella bajó con gran esfuerzo el bulto que cargaba. Y me miraba fijamente -como quien repiensa el movimiento necesario: una invitacion a lo debido, a lo frecuentemente ignorado. Yo la miraba de reojo, mientras intentaba ignorar su presencia a media conversacion superficial con Diana. No pude más. Me ganó el alma, volví mi mirada hacia ella. Inmediatamente -pareciera que solo esperaba un gesto mio para echar la vergüenza fuera- dirigió su humilde dialecto hacia mi.

-Que bonita estas cipota!-me dijo. Sonreí ocultando mi sorpresa, admirando la profundidad de sus ojos, la negrura de sus pupilas. -Gracias señora. ¡Tan Linda!- dije, sonriendo a Diana esta vez. Un trascendente silencio consumió cualquier pensamiento previo de las palabras que calculaba pronunciar. Ella perdió su mirada en la calle de donde esperabamos ver venir el transporte colectivo. Suspiró profundo. -¡Este calor si esta bien fuerte usted... -Dudo un momento, ocultando sus negras pupilas en el suelo - A ver si los muchachos me quieren llevar por 15 centavitos...- susurro con verguenza fingida. La tarifa regular es de 25 centavos dentro de la ciudad, 34 a la capital. Ella suspiro de nuevo, esperando ahora mi respuesta, levantando su mirada del suelo, viendome de reojo con pícara intención. No esperaba, por su apariencia tan humilde, que tuviera suficiente para viajar hacia... ¿donde?

- Y a donde es que va pues señora?- pregunte a media sonrisa. -Ahi por la fabrica de pinturas... la que esta por la tienda de Celulares alla en el centro... es que fijese que yo no tengo hogar- dijo con remarcable tristeza, mas transparente y sincera que aguas de manantial. No pude entender su explicacion... la ubicacion inexacta de su destino. En ese momento importaba tan poco, al oir su historia. -Yo vivo sola cn una cipota. Mis hijos todos me dejaron sola. Yo tenia mi puestecito de vender, lo que pudiera pues! Tomates y cebollas. Pero fijese que nosotras somos afectadas del incendio que hubo alla en el centro, y el gobierno no nos ha ayudado! viera! Para el terremoto del 2001, yo vivia en un pueblo de alla por Ayutuxtepeque. Mi casita era de Adobe y se me cayo. Pero el alcalde nos ayudo. Ese señor si que es bueno! Nos construyeron una casita de madera y lamina. Pero con los vientos fuertes del huracan... Adrian era, o no se como se llamaba! Viera usted, que se nos cayo la casa! Entonces fue que nos vinimos para la capital con la cipota, y puse mi puestecito en el mercado. Pero viera usted, que la cipota que cuido... esta muchacha ya! pero es discapacitada. Tiene "cuto" el pie, no camina. Asi que no puede trabajar, y no es estudiada. Yo me las he rebuscado siempre por las dos -la señora suspiro con tal dolor que senti consumirme en el aire que exhalaba, no sabia que contenia mis lagrimas dentro de mis ojos aun... -pero vea que Dios nunca nos abandona. Asi que despues del incendio me he quedado sin puesto y sin pisto! Sin casa otra vez-Las dos a punto de llanto, escondiendo nuestra verdadera cara tras una mascara de diplomacia y pena.

-Y donde es que esta viviendo ahora? Esta en algun refugio o con otra gente? -pregunte esperanzada. 

-Ay hija! Si en la calle es que andamos, pidiendo para comer! Pero encontrar comida no es tan dificil! El problema es donde sentar cabeza en las noches! Al  principio nos quedamos en el corredor del mercado, ahi afuerita de donde vendimos un tempo. Despues en un mezon, pero nos cobraba muy caro. Y asi hemos andado, de lugar en lugar, y siempre nos van echando! Asi que ahora deje a la cipota ahi por la fabrica, pidiendo. Yo me vine a buscar abrigo. Pero viera cipota que no he encontrado mucho! Solo chirajitas llevo de lo que me han regalado las gentes de buen corazon! pero bueno, de algo van a servir... es que es un frio tremendo el que hace en la madrugada, y ya estoy vieja para esas andanzas.

No supe que decirle. Levante mi vista al cielo y rogue no sentir lastima por ella, poder hacer algo en vez de solo admirarla. Ya no podia seguir contemplando su rostro lleno de vivencias, de amargas heridas que no sanan ni con el paso del tiempo... ese tiempo que cruelmente ha marcado su rostro, su dignidad. Me senti dichosa, porque soy pobre, pero tengo todo y mas de lo que alguna vez pude haber pedido. Me senti indigna de tenerlo.. Me senti egoista, por no querer desprenderme de lo mio a pesar de saberla abandonada. Soy tan fragilmente humana! Y me digo propiamente cristiana! Pero soy parte del sistema que mantiene el equilibrio fuera del planeta. 

No llevaba cartera. Y aunque la llevase tenia poco que ofrecerle. Pero debia callar mi conciencia. Dirigi la mirada a Diana, susurrandole al oido me prestase un dolar. Ella lo estaba buscando antes que se lo pidiera. 

2008 The Recap...

Another year past, another time started -they say. It seems to me the days are getting nothing but change no matter what the date is. But somehow society has put us through this whole thing of keeping records and time. We watch carefully as hours fly by... but we only set new goals every 365 days, or every now and then... it all depends. Goals that most of the times -at least in my case- are forgotten or not gotten thought due to many different occurrences of life... the excuses could get neverending. The mysterious ways of God always working.
Anyways, whatever it is that brought me to write about it, must be worth it.
Last New year´s -2008 that is- I was mentally wasted after hours of american football in T.V., and rarely eating anything different than chips and coke at my host-parents´place. I missed home so bad... and my only relief was a cup of pink champagne graciously provided at midnight by my host-mom -who knows very well our traditions back home. I was miserable. It was so that I totally forgot to make any purpose for the new year´s. Less than 2 weeks later i found out my current boyfriend lost his scholarship and had to fly back home immediately-and he was supposed to know before but, oh crazy world!, somehow the e-mail notifying him about the bad news never got to his inbox... in his version it is still a mystery -please don´t ask my opinion. I tried to be his support and all that stuff silly people -like me- do when they think they love someone. I never believed in long distance relationships, but I gave it a try. Oh sad day I decided not to break up in that farewell! It took me 3 more months to realize how wrong I was... 3 months of crying and wondering why, of being insulted and not loved back. 3 months of sacrifices never thanked. Just getting the usual. People used to ask me all the time about the only topic I really didn´t want to talk about: him. Somehow I got him over very quickly - his attitude and pride made it way easier than I expected. I wasn´t in love anyways, and I got the feeling that I should have never started that relationship, I don´t fully understand why.
A few months later I found out I got a crushfor the second time in my life. Yes, getting a new guy shortly after a break-up, that is so typically me. I thought I knew so bad my best friend loved me back. He made me believe so. haha! Crazy fate is always laughing at my desperate nature of giving not only love, but my whole heart so unconsciously! My beloved one decided to not let anyone know about us, to keep it a secret. That should have been enough proof for me of how little he respected me. But I agreed, and we split to go back home during the summer.
I can´t express with words how lucky and Blessed I felt when I finally got home! Getting there was an adventure! I bought my airplane tickets from Houston to El Salvador- oh cruel poverty! I hadn´t quite figured out how in the world I was getting to Houston till 2 weeks before the semester ended. Valerie, a friend of mine - too good to be true- took me over with her family at Shreveport, Louisiana. They are just awesome! Vale was to take me to Dallas where a salvadorian guy -friend of mine- was going to pick me up to take me to Houston. He totally disappear of the map, he wasn´t answering his cellphone and my mind got on chaos. Stuck in Dallas! Great! What in the world could I do by myself there, with no money and a flight to catch in 2 days??? I prayed probably as I never had before. Vale´s mom helped me to get a Greyhound ticket from Dallas to Houston... and Vale took me finally to Dallas to meet her cousin Vanessa -who is a friend of mine as well. Bless their hearts! they were all that I needed! I have to admit traveling in Greyhound was quite an adventure... drug dealing and nasty proposals were "hot and ready" for me. I got to Houston and met this guy from the militia... I cannot remember his name -he was hitting on me... but what´s the news? haha. He had just come back from Irak and was heading home, I don´t remember where. He wandered with me around Downtown Houston, invited me to breakfast -at McDonald´s of course-, helped me figure out a shuttle to the airport and carried my baggage all along! Very sweet guy... kind of twisted, but sweet. I got to the airport just in time to catch my flight. Oh glorious moment I got in the plane! Oh pondering thoughts running throught my am!!!! I will never forget the time I finally saw my family at El Salvador´s Airport! I am so so so Blessed!
Although I was full of activities to do, friends to visit and hang out with, family to recieve at home, parties to go to, service projects to help at, and lots of studying to do; I spent my summer missing him. I didn´t know, of course. The only thing I got back in return was the verses of my soul and the prove of the clean and inocent transparency of my being. He dumped me. Surprise, surprise! I got back to school with a bag filled with questions... I wish I had found the answer before -if only I was smarter to see. More blind to believe so fooly, impossible! Not even in your best friends is possible to entirely trust! They all are men before they are friends or lovers. Then I learned you never get to know people till they fail you. I failed myself I guess, for I fooled myself justifying him all the time; but I´m not sure yet. I´m not really into giving it too much thinking, anyways. Everything happens for a reason, and I think I got the lesson this time. I hope! I´m so tired of getting hurt! I mean, Seriously!
The only friend I fully trusted and was there watching after me that whole time was my only latin partner in every single of my classes. I loved her so bad for understanding me and got to consider her one of my best friends too. Fall '08 was the worst academic challenge ever put in front of me. It was so, so hard for me to get along with all the stuff I had to learn and do! Gosh! No social life. I could hardly remember what sleeping was. It was just horrible! Plus, family matters are always worrying me... It was a tough time to my family in many aspects- it actually still is. I got to the point of thinking I really wasn´t going to make it through with a decent GPA at the end of the semester. But I got the encouragement and support of my good friends uncountable times! and that was just comforting and empowering! Bless their hearts! I´m so blessed, surrounded by angels all the time! I spent thanksgiving with Alle, a beautiful girl with a golden pure heart, and her beautiful family. I love her so so much. We were 4 in the trip! Davy and Dani went down with us! It was just awesome! I almost got killed by a very stressed driver -I´m not mentioning her name though, the might come back after me if I do. It was quite an adventure. When I came back to school I thought nothing in the semester could get any worse, so I had a very possitive attitude about getting it done. My partner in all my classes wanted to talk to me. She was dating a guy, but not any guy : the one I still had a crush with, my ex-best friend. Great. I had never felt more isolated and lonely in my life. So betrayed, so emotionally wasted. It happens. Issue overcome, lesson learnt.
I had to figure my way out of that crazy semester by myself -at least academically speaking. I made it! I kept my GPA as high as it was! all by myself! and so I learnt I need nobody´s support on any subject to get the grades I want. I can do it alone, I just need to push a little bit harder. And I´m so proud of myself! I´m still delaing with that little thin line betwwen diplomacy and hypocresy... I keep on praying for wisdom to manage that.
Before traveling back home for the holidays, I spent some days with the Steiner's, my roommate´s family. Oh heaven, Could I ever be more blessed than that?! They are so awesome! I love them so much!!! They are just too good to me I feel I´ll never catch up no matter how hard I try! I had a blast with my roommate Savannah and her boyfriend (Brian)! She´s not only the best roommie, but the best fake-older-sister ever! I felt like part of the family, even so that I really wanted to spend christmas with them. Tears came down my face when saying goodbye to Savy at the airport, no kidding.
I got home on Christmas Eve. Oh yes, that was an adventure too!!! They almost send my baggage to Delaware! lol! That kind of things only happens to me! Anyways, my flight was delayed and I made my family wait more that we all expected. I was just getting out of the car at my aunt´s - where christmas celebration usually takes place- just at midnight! A welcoming party was waiting for me there. I got home like at 3 in the morning for I was to tired to party -and my family is never up to it anyways. The next couple of days were only about planning, scheduling, trying on things, organizing, calling people and decorating... all for my sister´s sweet fifteen party. It was a success! everybody loved it! It was a masquerade! I consecrated myself as a party organizer and host! We are so so blessed! Even when my feet still hurt after walking on classy high hills for 6 hours non-stopping.
Then I found this New Year´s eve -at my aunt´s house again- looking back to all of these events. Most of the times I always look at my glass, and contemplate with missery it is half empty. But I was able to cool my mind, to clearly think after all of this crazyness. I discovered my 2008 was full of challenges, but also success; full of wondering, but also of aswers -even when I really didn´t want to see them right in front of me-; full of learning academically, and also for life; full of angels and miracles. Overall I realized how blessed I am. I realized I got true friends, for life, and really didn´t have to choose them! I´m so gratefull God chose them for me! It would turn impossible to me to try to deny God´s presence in my everyday. Without my faith in him I just could not have survived this insane, always-running year.
Hours fly by our face and we just do not give a thought to it. We sometimes, in our busy days, forget who the time actually belongs to. We forget -and I personally do- to take a chance and, for a minute, walk slowly. Just walk, with no need to rush, no need to think. Walk just with an open heart to see the many miracles constaltly happening: your only breathing, moving, existing, subsinting, enduring, changing, growing, looking forward, and keep on -or decide to start-walking forward. Each and every single thing and the fact it exists and/or happens is a miracle. Even the ability of humans to keep time -and still survive to their own masoquism- is -in my personal opinion- to be considered a miracle. I don´t know what exactly brought me to write about this, I don´t know neither why I feel God is in it, in my will to write about it. One thing I can assure: it was deffinitely worth it.